What is Performance Art?

Last night I was lucky enough to witness the most real form of performance art. I went to an event called Horseplay (a monthly evening of spoken word and music at the Sanctuary) hosted by Ash Ffrench and Hattie Snooks.

Apart from enjoying pancakes and performances by The Bobby McGee's, Bernadette Cremin and Steve Larkin the audience got treated to a real surprise.

Before the main act came on Ash asked Hattie to turn her back to him on stage. He said a lot of nice things about her and how happy he was to be hosting Horseplay's 2nd birthday party with her. And all of the sudden he went down on his knees and proposed! Thoughts like "Is this part of the show?" crossed my mind ... and of course it was part of the show, but even so it was sincere and Ash & Hattie are getting married! (What made it slightly surreal was that Bernadette (who didn't have a clue and don't know the couple very well) blurted out "are you going to propose to her?" earlier in the evening.)

They might not agree with it being performance art, and I don't like labelling people, but I'm fascinated by the concept "performance art". In the beginning of January I went to see a show called "Kim Noble will die" at Soho Theatre in London. It was a one-man show where the artist/actor played himself as a suicidal desperado who handed out his own spunk in little plastic containers to the audience ... It might sound sick, but still there's nothing I like better when the line between truth and fiction, performance and real life is very thin.

While I'm on the subject I also have to mention that my best friend in Sweden married herself last year and about twenty people turned up to her ceremony. When she first thought of the idea she didn't intend to make art or put on a show or performance. It was other people starting to label it as performance art ...

And I think it's quite artistic to propose to someone on stage. Label or not.

Postnatal

I'm off sick today. I didn't get much sleep last night because I had a bad stomach ache and wanted to throw up, but couldn't. I'm still feeling a bit queasy and all I want to eat is ice cream.

On my way to the nearest ice cream vendor (Co-op) I stopped off at the post office and sent off REPLACING ANGEL. So maybe I'm feeling sick because I'm suffering from postnatal novel depression ...

It's like I'm no longer capable of looking after my book baby, and therefore the nanny agents will take care of her and let me know when I'm fit to look after her again. They'll also let me know if my baby is all right, and if she needs to go through another health check (draft.) It sounds horrible, but I hope it'll take a while. I have things to get on with. Like having a hair cut.

PS. the post office in the picture has nothing to do with my local post office.

Printing my baby

I don't have any metaphor for this. If you have followed my blog you know that I compare writing a novel to having a baby, but I can't think of any comparison to "printing out the manuscript". Most agents want to see the first three chapters, so I have "only" printed about 50 pages. (Double-spaced).

I'm almost there. My synopsis is ready. My CV is ready. The first three chapters are ready. The only thing I've got left is the most important thing - the cover letter. Someone asked why I've spent two weeks on writing a letter ... But then I spent two years being pregnant with Replacing Angel (here we go again - bring on the baby metaphors!) and I think the baby deserves to be presented in the best possible way. Yes, maybe I found a metaphor after all. Writing a cover letter is like when you dress the baby up to meet the relatives for the first time ...

Painting My Book Baby's Toenails

So, I've finally given birth to my book baby and it's a girl!
But I'm keeping her safe at home, am not ready to let the world see her yet.
I feel bad for wanting to beautify her, painting her toenails.

The 5th and final draft of Replacing Angel is finished.
But it's hard to leave her alone.
I wake up in the middle of the night
and think of sentences I want to polish.
I keep adding coats of nail varnish to her toenails.
Sometimes using aceton to remove things I don't like.

I guess you're never really finished.
You just have to set a date when you decide that you are not going to make any more changes and be happy with your creation, happy enough to let it engage with the world, i.e. send it out to agents.

I have drafted a cover letter, synopsis and some kind of CV and sent it to a very kind writing collegaue for feedback.

At the moment I'm doing some detective work, trying to find out who the best nanny for my baby is. (I'm going to approach the agents of some of my favourite authors to start with, and I also have a couple of recomendations that I want to investigate.)

Hopefully I'll send my baby off before my birthday on the 26th of Feb. I can't wait to have an evening off. Even if I'm out and about doing other stuff she's constantly on my mind ...

Lost in translation

This week my novel (the Swedish one) was reviewed in Jyllandsposten, one of Denmark's biggest morning papers. The review was very positive when it came to the contents of the book, and said I'd captured the teenage angst very well, and that I showed there was hope in the end. However, unlike the Swedish reviewers, this one really hated the cover, title and author pic - saying that it looked like a print-on-demand book. I don't agree with this at all;I love the cover and the pic of me in pink hair.

But the biggest problem according to the reviewer was the translation. Swedish expressions that were unknown to the Danes etc. I don't know Danish, but as far as I know the translator has done a great job. He emailed me every week asking things, making sure to get it right ...

Yet. It's a bloody difficult book to translate. People ask me daily why "Punkindustriell hårdrockare med attityd" is not translated to English. I have two answers.
1. I'm not confident enought to do it myself, as I know it's a very site specific book and I've used expression that only exist in my hometown.
2. I haven't found the right translator. It has to be someone who's native English, but has spent years in Sweden, and has a thorough understanding of the school system and the youth culture.

Click here to read the review - if you understand Danish that is ...

The Head is Out

In this room I started to give birth to Replacing Angel.
It is almost out. You can see the head and the torso,
and even what sex it is. But the legs and feet are not out yet.

(I re-wrote every single scene where the Man appears and it felt like I really got to know him. Thanks everybody who left comments and discussed the matter with me before I left, it helped a lot. I also cut a bit of the beginning to increase the action.)

My retreat at Claridge House in Lingfield was the best thing I've treated myself to for a long time. I reclaimed the feeling of peace I felt when I used to stay with my grandma in the countryside in the Sweden. Since she passed away two years ago I've been at loss, looking for a place where I can go and just be and write and go for walks in nature and have all my meals cooked for me. And I think I've found that place. Instead of spending the money on a return flight to Sweden I can spend the money on going to Claridge house when I really need to.

This is what made it such a peaceful and productive stay:

*I had my mobile turned off the whole time and for a day after I got back. (I often keep it turned off or on silent anyway and find it helps my thoughts flow more freely when I'm not interrupted my little bleeps.)
*I didn't use Internet during my stay or on the day I got back. (I realised that I spend a lot of time thinking about things I've read on Facebook and am constantly going through emails in my head that I need to write etc. Internet is a bit like alcohol. You need to learn when too much is too much. From now on I'll try to only go on Internet once a day and for a limited time.)
*The house is run by Quakers - who worship through sitting in silence and I took part in some of the silent times during the day and found it refreshing. The walks around Dormansland Village also helped.

I know I expected that I would give birth to the whole novel when I was away. But there's no point it rushing it. I'm hoping to see the legs and the feet at the end of this month ... Then I'll start working on a synopsis and cover letter that I can send out to agents.

So if I appear to be absent or don't return texts or emails you'll know why ...

Pregnant in the 27th Month

Twenty-seven months have passed since I got impregnated with Replacing Angel (even if I didn't have a name for it then). I've really gone over the time and I can feel it.

Inside me is a completed novel. I just have to perfect it.
There are mainly three areas I'll have to work on:
*the beginning
*the end
*the character the Man (I'm now reading The Game by Neill Strauss and re-reading The Dark Part of me by Belinda Burns for inspiration.)

To help the birth process I'm going away on a retreat this weekend.
Leaving Friday midday and coming back Monday midday. Two full days to just write write write, while all my meals are cooked for me. There won't be any distractions - apart from the beautiful gardens. But it's not good with too much exercise when you're pregnant ...

PS. I don't believe in perfection and am far from a perfectionist. But I'm hoping to reach a stage where I feel happy enough with the novel to send it out to agents.

This Charming Man

Image: Knut Finstermeier

I've recieved some more feedback on Replacing Angel from writer Robert Dickinson. He read my novel in three settings on his train journey to work and said it was easy to read and well-paced. Overall he liked it, it was just one major problem ...

The same major problem I've had since I started writing this novel: the character called the Man. He's an annoying manipulative man who believes in conspiracy theories. Despite this all women fall for him. Do you know the type?

I've always been fascinated with the fact that so many women fall for complete psychos. So that's what I've been trying to write about. But I've failed. The Man is not charming enough. He doesn't have enough charisma. Three of my four critics have said the same thing: they can't understand why the main character Natalie falls for the Man. It's not enough to state that he's sexy. And he's not sexy in a traditonal way either ... He's got red hair.

So how can I make the Man more charming? How can I SHOW his charming side, rather than TELL it? Please help me!

Intentions for 2010

I spent the last evening of 2009 in the company of good friends in a cottage in the countryside outside Brighton. And I started 2010 with a walk on The Downs thinking about what my intentions are for this year.

*I'm going to be honest and truthful both to myself and other people

*I'm going to trust and follow my intuition and gut feeling

The big goal over all is of course to complete my novel Replacing Angel and send it off to agents and find a publisher. My plan is to go away for a weekend in the beginning of February and add the finishing touches.

Happy New Year everyone - let's make 2010 a good one!

My Writing Year 2009

Sometimes it feels like I spend far too much time sitting on a bench, staring out in space and being all at sea ... Do I actually get anything done? That's my biggest worry. If I spend a week or two not writing I think the world is coming to an end ... So to make myself feel better I've done list of everything I've achieved in 2009:

*Started a blog in English - thank you for reading!

*Completed the 2nd, 3rd and 4th draft of Replacing Angel – my first novel in English

*Been to two "conferences": Meet the Agents & Going Public, arranged by New Writing South

*My first novel, Punkindustriell Hårdrockare med Attityd, was released in paperback

*I visited two schools in Växjö for the World Book Day

*I did four talks in one day at a school in Mjölby on a topical day about ”sexual knowledge”

*My first novel, Punkindustriell Hårdrockare med Attityd, was published in Denmark

*I was invited back to do a talk at a school in Tranås

*I did a talk at a school in Uddevalla

*Took part at the International Book Fair in Gothenburg, workshop for teenagers

*Did my first school talk in English at Loxdale Centre in Portslade

*Did a poetry gig at the Peace Festival at Hove Lawns

*Did at poetry gig with Ash French & Daniel Roviera at the Shoreham Beer, Cider & Literature Festival

*I did a poetry gig at the Summer Solstice event organised by Beyond

*Took part in a poetry cabaret show with Jelly Inc. at Bombanes

*Performed with Writing Sisters Collective

*Performed poetry at slams and open mics: Hammer & Tongue, Brighton Poetry Society, e.g. poetry, Horseplay, Floetics

*Submitted poems to Mslexia’s annual poetry competition and my poem ”Helping cousin Anna to move on” was shortlisted among the 100 best entries

*Submitted 10 poems to Tall Lighthouse pamphlet competition but didn’t win

*I wrote about 15 poems I’m happy with, about 15 poems I’m not happy with

*I wrote 8 first (some second drafts) of short stories, only submitted one to a Valentine Competition that I’ll know the outcome of in January

*Studied Julia Cameron’s Walking in this world


Other memorable happenings (good&bad) that are not directly writing related:

*Volunteered for the Fringe Festival in Wellington and got to see a lot of good shows

*My time in New Zealand, New Year in Golden Bay, living and working at Rosemere Backpackers in Wellington and travelled the North Island with Sky

*Visited my friend Elin in Melbourne

*The death of my grandma

*Moved to Alpine Road

*Got a temporary job at Hove Library after 3 (!) interviews within the libraries

*My best friend Sara married herself and I was bridesmaid

*My "sister" Jo turned 30 and we celebrated her in Copenhagen

*I saw Nick Cave 3 times!

I love Brighton!

Despite struggling with the darkness and cold of winter, Brighton is a cool place to be all year round ...


On Saturday I got a surprise when I walked along the seafront and saw an army of running (and walking) Santas! It was the yearly Santa Dash - a 5km run fom charity. (Maybe I'll join in next year, James!)


Every night until Xmas a new beach hut is opened up like an advent calender and there's free mulled wine and mince pies. Each hut has also got a carol which the decorations are based on.


Lastly ... a December sunset is just as beautiful as a summery one.

Creative Exchange

It all began with a text message in February 2008 when I got back to Brighton after my travels. I told my poet friend Sue Pearson that I was back in town and asked if she wanted to meet up and write. She texted back straight away and that was the start of our creative exchange.

The first meetings were all about writing. We did exercises and gave each other feedback on our recent pieces of work. We also set goals. Most of them were writing related, e.g. write a poem for a competition or finish a short story. Then we started to expand.

Sue is taking a bit of a break from writing and is now into doll and jewelery making. And at the moment I'm so focused on my novel that I don't feel motivated to write poetry. So our goals are a bit different nowadays. It could be anything from writing a fan letter to Miranda July to making a richly embroidered stomach. (Sue is showing one of her hand-crafted dolly stomachs in the picture.) For our next meeting (when Xmas and stuff like that don't get in the way we meet up every other week for 3-4 hours)my goals is to plan a writing retreat for myself. I'm thinking of going away for a weekend in January and stay in a hostel or B&B to work on the final bits of Replacing Angel.

Even if Sue and me are making different kinds of art we have a very positive exchange. The creative process of joy and agony is the same and it's great to have the support of another artist. A big part of our meetings are taken up by discussing current projects and sometimes that's all you need: a place to vent your fears and expectations.

James Burt and Kay Sexton have written a lot about workshops and how they are very cautious of them. I've been going to various writing groups or workshops on and off over the years and although I found them helpful and good for networking nothing is as good as having a private creative mentor! I must admit that main reason I sometimes go to groups and workshops is that I need to hang out with other writers in order to feel like a writer myself ... And as a result I've made many good friends like Sue, Morgan, Petra and Bernadette. You need a lot of time on your own as a writer, but without supportive friends you're going nowhere ... Thank you for existing!

The So-Called End of Editing

All my journals have names. They are all called something beginning with "The so-called ..." When I named my 57th journal I could feel that things were coming to an end. Not just the end of the year and the end of my grandma. But also the end of Replacing Angel.

By now I should be used to it, but after finishing a draft I tend to feel a bit blue, because I don't know how to handle life when I'm not writing and yet I can't write again if I don't take a break. So you can imagine how I feel when I've finished a whole book ... and I'm not even there yet. I've finished the 4th draft and begun a 5th one. But this 5th one is going to be the last! Now it's about fine-tuning and work a bit more on the beginning and the end.

I spent the whole weekend in bed with Polly (yes, I also name my laptops)and read Replacing Angel aloud to myself. Well I managed 200 of 300 pages and I didn't read aloud all the time because my throat was and still is sore.

I've done things like changing "OK" to "okay" as it reads better. I've also made a mind-map about the character the Man. He still needs work. He needs to be just a bit more likeable without losing his psycho side ... Another thing I've amused myself with is to find synonyms for the word "drink". So far I've used gulp 11 times, swig 15 times and sip 30 times. And drink 60 times ... Does that mean that it's too much drinking in the novel? I'm grateful for any other synonyms you can come up with. Quaff is another word, but I don't like it very much.

My plan was to finish Replacing Angel this year. I think I'll almost reach that gold. I'm waiting for more feedback and even if I reach the feedback before the New Year I might not have time to process it. So I have to set a new deadline: 31 January.

Lastly I've studied Walking in this world by Julia Cameron. She writes: "Completing a draft of a novel may spark thoughts of suicide rather than celebration". Further she compares the final stages in a creative project to a glass mountain: "I slither down every time I try to clamber up./.../ This delicate and treacherous stage, the glass mountain of creative doubt, is a slippery slope we face alone. It is on its icy flank that we must find small footholds, edging our way upward from concept to actual conception - a difficult birth, as pivotal as conquering our creative Everest."

Don't worry. I'm not suicidal, but today when I went for a walk with my camera I found nothing worth taking a picture of. Even the sea looked ugly in the grey light ...

On The Road with Nick Cave

Photo: Barnaby Marriott
Tonight I went to see the film The Road at the Duke of York's cinema in Brighton. The film is based on the novel by Cormac Mccarthy and is directed by John Hillcoat. It was the first time I went to the cinema this year and the main reason was that Nick Cave and Warren Ellis from the Bad Seeds wrote the soundtrack. After the film John Hillcoat and Nick Cave did a Q&A session. I didn't ask any questions, but Barney convinced me to have my photo taken with Mr Cave ...

It's supernatural seeing someone who you admire. Even if Nick Cave is a human being and seems like a really nice person who doesn't let fame get to his head I can't help feeling paralyzed in his presence ... There are so many things I'd like to say. Like how his album No more shall we part helped me through one of the loneliest times in my life. And also what a big inspiration his lyrics are for my current novel, Replacing Angel. All year I've had Nick Cave songs on repeat while writing and when I see the man behind the music it's almost as if him and the music are two separate things. As if I've built up my own personal relationship with the lyrics and don't give a damn about what they meant to Nick Cave when he wrote them. And I think that's the purpose of all art: the art itself should be so good that you don't need a famous person or a pretty face to promote it.

(However I did speak to Nick Cave about two months ago and asked if I had his permission to use him as a character in my novel ... Click here to read more!)

So what did I think of the film? A father and son are trying to survive in a post-apocalyptic world, walking by foot across America, hoping that everything will be better once they reach the coast. And that's where it all ends. Or starts anew if you so wish ... Tears were threatening to run down my cheeks a few times, because of the tight relationship between father and son. I liked the bleak atmosphere and the sparse piano music. However the theme of cannibalism will probably haunt my dreams tonight ... That's why I prefer reading so I can create my own images, which won't be as bad as seeing something happening in front of your eyes ... I'm glad there's not a film based on Nick Cave's Murder Ballads!

November Rain

I have Guns N' Roses' November Rain on repeat and am trying to find some kind of motivation. I've finished the 4th draft of Replacing Angel, but it doesn't feel finished.

My hardest critic and best friend, Sara, is reading my novel in progress from a philosophical point of view. She keeps questioning me why my characters say and do things. It gives me a headache trying to work it out myself; I need them to be idiosyncratic in their actions. Especially the Man who is a bit of a mad professor in a bad way.

I also feel a bit panicky as someone who might be able to put me in touch with an agent has asked me to send him the beginning of the novel and I feel that something is missing. That I need to put in more nerve. I hate abstractions and I hate words like idiosyncratic, but am also proud that I finally know what it means.

My novel feels trite when there are so many deaths in the world. This autumn I've found out about the deaths of four people. Well I only knew one of them and that's my grandma. The others were all young and died in unfortunate circumstances: a friend friend's boyfriend drowned when on holiday, a library colleague accidentally died from an overdose, and a poet I used to see at events was murdered. Even if I wasn't close to any of these people (apart from my gran)it still has affected me badly. Maybe I'm just reminded of my own mortality.

If it stopped raining I'd be a bit happier.

First School Talk in English

I've done a lot of school visits in Sweden, talking about my writing and my debut novel Punkindustriell hårdrockare med attityd. Today I did my first school talk in England. In English obviously. The only thing that wasn't English about it was the audience - they were all Swedish students at Loxdale Centre in Portslade. Eight years ago I went to this school myself and it was great to be back.

I called my one-woman-show "Life after Loxdale" and spoke about my life in England, how I first made friends, found a job and a place to live. A lot of the students laughed when I showed pictures of myself as a dinner lady and a barmaid. But the focus was on my career as a writer and performance poet. How I started out going to poetry groups just to make friends and ended up being invited to perform in Berlin. How the isolation I first felt when I moved to England resulted in writing novels. And I tried to explain the battle in my head between two languages.

In between the talking I performed poems that were inspired by my life and the audience was also very lucky to hear an extract from Replacing Angel - my first English novel in progress. It seemed to go down well and one guy said it felt very real, as if I had experienced it myself.

After the talk I stayed for lunch and reminisced about the good old days. My time at Loxdale is probably the most important time of my life as I went there when I was 19, straight after finishing school in Sweden. It was the beginning of my adult life and apart from learning to speak English I also built up the confidence to stay in England and go my own way in life. I'm very pleased that I got invited back for another talk next term.

Special thanks to Saskia, my former drama teacher and friend who came to listen and took the picture.

Hammer & Death

Last night, about an hour after I'd been on stage as Lou Ice, my grandmother passed away. (It was expected, she'd been in and out of hospital forever.) She often said how she couldn't understand how I had the courage to perform poetry or do talks in front of a big crowd. She always pointed out how shy I was when I was little. As if she couldn't understand how I'd changed. I'm still shy, but that shyness exists off stage, not on stage. I'm more nervous after a gig then before - because that's when the judgment starts.

I don't know why I do it. I'm not talking about performing poetry or being on stage in general. I'm talking about poetry slams like yesterday's Hammer & Tongue at Komedia. Every time I do it I tell myself "never again." It's such a pathetic thing, a bit like Eurovision Song Contest where the participants get judged. But when it comes to slams it's not the love lyrics that win - you have to be political to touch the heart of the judges ...

Yesterday I did an old poem called Grace - about a midwife predicting a harsh future for a baby. One team of judges only gave me 4,9 while another gave me 7,9. It's not very often that I get high scores, but the other poets always have good things to say about me. Like I reminded someone of Patti Smith! That's a compliment and a half. So maybe that's why I keep coming back. It's not the points, it's the poetry and the poets.

And the winner? Yes, he (Elan) deserved it, doing a poem about the fashion business, mentioning child labour and all that. I also enjoyed the guest poets Ross Sutherland and Byron Vincent. The hosts Mike Parker and Rosy Carrick were charming as usual!

And here's a candle burning for my grandma.

Films or Books?

This is not going to be a blog post discussing whether the book is better than the film or the other way round. In this case there isn't even a book. It's just a film. What I want to discuss is films or books in general.

Some people seem offended when I say that I haven't watched many films. In average I watch 5 films a year. This is not because I don't like films. One reason is that I've never had access to my own DVD or video player. It wasn't until last year that i discovered that I could watch films on my laptop ... So I'm obviously not that bothered. Another reason could be that I didn't watch much TV as a kid or a teenager. I think watching a few bad Hollywood films really put me off. I thought that's what all films were like. I had a big problem (and still have) with action films. They are too fast for me. I can't follow what's happening and can't even figure out who's the good guy and the bad guy ...

It feels like I've got a lot to catch up on. A couple of years ago, thanks to working in the library, I discovered that there are quite a few good films around ... The films labeled "World" or "Arthouse" or "Artifcial Eye" are my favourites. In short: alternative films set in France, Romania, Poland or any European country that is not Britain ... Then there are few Asian films that really appeal to me, mostly because of their visual impact.

I don't know what has happened. I've now watched two films in less than a week's time. I think I'm procrastinating editing and re-writing the end of Replacing Angel ... And somehow I really don't feel like reading, apart from the brilliant handbook Writing Fiction by Janet Burroway.

Tonight I watched 4 months, 3 weeks & 2 days by Cristian Mungiu. It's set in communist Romania in the 80's and is about a girl who has an illegal abortion. Well, it's not really about the girl who's doing the abortion. It's about the girl's friend who supports her ... That made me think of Replacing Angel. You'd think my novel is about Angel - she's the one with the real drama - but it's really about her friend Natalie. So now I feel quite inspired to get back into writing again ...

But back to the topic ... I get offended by people who don't read. Sadly, in my opinion, most people seem to watch more films than they read books. This includes a lot of my good friends and people working in the library. For me watching a film can never replace reading a book. I prefer creating my own images in my head and do it at my pace. Often I lose the plot in a film because I see things that makes me think of other things and the association machine is in full action ... This happens when I read as well. But the beauty of reading is that you can stop and take a breather where each paragraph ends. O.K. I know you can press the pause button when you watch a film, but it's not very convenient to do that every 5 minutes ... Especially not if you watch it with someone else. I don't even like watching films with other people because I often feel embarrassed that I don't understand things that they do. This has nothing to do with English being my second language, I have the same problem with Swedish films!

Then there are other things I like better with books ... The fact that you can carry them with you and read wherever you are. It's possible to dip in and out. To read for only 10 minutes a day, whilst you'll have to set aside at least two hours to watch a film and as time is precious to me I'm afraid of wasting two hours of my life on a bad film and I don't often get a chunk of time with nothing to do anyway ... Reading is also more active: you have to concentrate hard and you have to turn the page now and again instead of just sitting down and staring at a screen.

So, dear blog readers ... how many novels have you read this year? How many films have you watched?

I've read 28 novels and watched 4 films. I think I'll reach my average of 5 films a year as I'd like to watch Let the right one in. Mostly because it is based on a novel and I want to compare the two different medias ... Once I've watched it, I can write another blog post - on the topic whether the film is better than the book or the other way round.

Death & The End

Today I woke up feeling a bit like I look in the picture. (The picture is from the morning after a party back in September.) I don't know what brought on this feeling. I've been on a real writing high lately and I really enjoyed last night - went to a Halloween event at the Marlborough Theatre called Fear of the dark hosted by James Burt and Glue Gun91 with special guests Kay Sexton and Bernadette Cremin. I saw a swan and a woman dying on stage. Among other acts there was also a a sinister dog walker, a story about a gang of brutal clowns and a harp player.

Maybe my miserable morning is due too much alcohol. That's not true though - only three pints over the course of four hours.

Maybe my miserable morning is due to spending too much time in my own little bubble writing. That's not true either. I had a great time Saturday with Sue Pearson, walking about in town at the White Night. Sunday I met up with Sue again for our regular "creative meeting" where we encourage each other and exchange ideas. Monday I went to a new event as part of Write Club at the Skiff, hosted by Ellen de Vries and James Burt. Really refreshing! As I'm so serious about my novel work it was nice to do some exercises to get back into play mood. First we wrote for 15 min, then 10, 5 and finally 2 minutes. As inspiration we looked at four different pictures. I found it quite a challenge to write about the abstract ones ...

Maybe my miserable morning is due to that I found out that someone I thought was travelling died before she even left the country ... and that was a year ago. This might be true. I didn't know this person very well, but it still shocked me.

So ... I have to get myself together. The final feedback on Replacing Angel has arrived from my editor (who was one of the people in the show yesterday!). I've worked on the first two thirds, so that leaves me with the third third - the end. I'm happy with the end, but again there are some gaps to be filled in. I need to write about a bittersweet goodbye. And one of the characters who's in the background most of the story now needs to get a lot of space - as she plays an important role in the end ... Apparently I also need to work on my sex scenes ... Tough as my interest in sex is as big as my interest in the life of frogs at the moment.

White Night in Bright Town

This week : research and staying in

This week I've taken care of my time:
Monday: (all day off)researching a very special event for the novel, writing about the event
Tuesday: research in the morning by doing an interview, writing up notes, work, edited novel

Wednesday: work all day, edited novel in evening
Thursday: edited novel in morning, work, edited novel in evening
Friday: edited novel in morning, work, edited novel in evening

Yes, I've stayed in every single night and been up early every morning. The editing of Replacing Angel really feels like a drug at the moment. I can't stay away. I turn off my phone. I ignore the feeling that there are some friends that I "should" contact. I have to take advantage of this mood. Even if I'm disciplined it's rare that I'm disciplined and inspired at the same time.

I can't tell you about Monday's research as it would give away too much about the novel. But I can tell you about Tuesday. Natalie, the main character in Replacing Angel meets a girl who lives in a squat on the seafront. Some of you might know it. Medina House in Hove. The squatters were evicted a couple of years ago, but that's O.K. as my novel is set in the beginning of the '00s. I met up with Yvo, a woman who used to live there and she filled in some gaps for me. Even if I visited the squat a couple of times my memories were fuzzy. Yvo was kind enough to draw me a map of the interior of the squat so given this exact information I had to re-write a whole chapter. I know you've got poetic license, but I still like to include some real life facts.

Tomorrow I'll break my pattern by going out and celebrate the White Night in Brighton. Museums, galleries, bars, clubs are open extra late to defy the darkness ...

p.s. I'm not really a goth anymore ... I value LIGHT more than anything, so I try to pay the sea a visit almost every day. And it's amazing how there's something new every day - like those balloons ...

The importance of backstory

The second lot of feedback on Replacing Angel (my English novel in progress) has arrived from my editor. (She's sending it in three parts.) There are still a few questions to be answered. One scene I'm working on is the birthday of my main character Natalie. She's having a drink in a pub with her flat mates and Deanna (a friend of her best friend Angel who used to live in the flat before Natalie did). At the birthday drink it's the first time Deanna meets one of the flat mates and now the question is: if she was such a good friend - how come she's met one of the flat mates and not the other?

I have no answer. Yet. That's what I have to work out and that's where backstory comes in ... It's not like I have to write a whole chapter about how Deanna met one of the flat mates and not the other, but I still have to know to give a satisfactory explanation to the reader. So I've just dedicated an hour of "stream of consciousness"- writing to find out. (I don't like setting my alarm - so I used Nick Cave's album "Tender Pray" as a timer even if it's "only" 54 minutes.)

It turns out one of the flat mates is very controlling and doesn't like visitors. But the reason he's met this Deanna is that they use the same drug dealer. I hope this will work! I'll do some more free writing and see what I come up with. In the first writing workshop I ever went to (I was 16) I learnt that you have to know EVERYTHING about your characters, even how much change they've got in their pocket - it doesn't matter if it never gets mentioned. You still have to know - otherwise there will be gaps in the story.

p.s. the picture is supposed to represent a stream of consciousness. but in reality it's a sea of consciousness ... that's how I think of the English channel anyway!

Interview with myself

I read an interview on a Swedish blog and thought the questions were quite good so I decided to interview myself!

1. Do you have a writing schedule? E.g. every day an hour between 7 and 8 or do you write sporadically?

I'm very disciplined! Usually I write in the mornings between 9 and 12 before going to work at the library in the afternoon. Sometimes, if I feel inspired, I write in the evenings after work as well, but then I'm happy if it's only an hour. On my days off I tend to live in my nightie and I move between my bed, the kitchen and my PC all day with a break for a long walk or a coffee with a friend. All in all I manage to write about six hours on those days - and some of that writing is done in my head. Focused thinking is also writing.

2. Do you suffer from lack of inspiration sometimes or is it the other way round?

Sometimes I suffer from complete exhaustion. I don't want to write a single word, not even in my journal. It happens when life around me is too hectic and I haven't had enough time to chill out. Usually it happens when I've finished a big chunk of work, like completing a draft or a part of a draft.

3. Do you work on several projects at the same time? E.g. a thriller, some short stories and a childrens book etc.?

When I work on a novel it tends to take over my life and I find it very hard to work on other projects at the same time. However a couple of times a month I feel inspired to write a poem, it's a nice break from the tedious novel work as you can finish a poem in a week or a day even. There's also the satisfaction of performing poetry, of reaching out and showing the world that you are alive. So writing and performing poetry is my hobby. If I try to take the poetry too seriously I lose interest. It needs to be a fun thing.

4.How many books have you finished and sent off to agents/publishers?

I finished a novel called Mötet med Malva (Meeting Malva) in 2004. Then I completed Punkindustriell hårdrockare med attityd (Punk influenced hard rocker with attitude)in 2006 and it was published in 2007.

5. How many times have the same book been rejected? If so did you receive any constructive feedback?

Mötet med Malva was rejected by 11 publishers, but yes I did receive a couple of nice letters with relevant feedback. One publishing director even took me out to lunch and told me he was very impressed with my writing, but encouraged me to write something else. He gave me the useful advice "write what you know". Mötet med Malva was a novel I wrote pretty much to impress both myself and my friends, but there was no heart, no true feelings in it.

As most people know Punkindustriell hårdrockare med attityd got accepted, but by the time the book was finished the publishing director who had encouraged me had passed away and his company had gone bankrupt! Luckily I found another publisher. Again I sent it out to 11 (my lucky number) different ones and after a month one of them phoned me and offered me a contract. So I contacted the 10 other ones and said that my manuscript had been accepted. I'll never know if those other 10 would've said yes or no.

6. Do you feel bad if you haven't written for a few days?

Yeah, I feel restless in my soul. Something is lacking from my life. I feel boring, not my normal self. I get controlled by my feelings when I don't get that emotional release and a chance to step into another world for a bit.

7. Why do you write?

Because I can't help myself! It's part of who I am. As I'm originally a shy person I find it hard to express myself in day to day life, so the writing helps me with that expression.

I also have a need to work out certain issues and explore certain topics and I love doing that through my characters.

Another reason is that I've got an interest in documenting the time we are living in, telling people "this is what it's like", "this is my reality".

8. Have you had anything published that is available for reading?

Well, you could have a go reading Punkindustriell hårdrockare med attityd if you are willing to learn Swedish. I've had a few poems and a short story published in anthologies and magazines, but most of them are out of print. Sometimes I post poems at MySpace - at least that's something to read while you're waiting for my English novel Replacing Angel. At the moment I've just finished editing the 1st 3rd of the 4th draft ... I'll begin editing the 2nd 3rd as soon as I've received some more feedback from my editor.

9. Do you have anything you'd like to add? (my own question)

Yes, I saw Nick Cave (him and his lyrics have been a great inspiration while writing Replacing Angel) at Palace Theatre in London yesterday. It was a very nice surprise when P.J. Harvey entered the stage and did a song! There was no photo permission, but I managed to get one picture ...

Ginger hair and toilet chairs - the joys of re-drafting a novel

I'm so excited! So excited I almost don't want to blog about it or talk about it. I'm afraid the excitement will disappear if I share it with too many people. Besides it's only my personal excitement. There's nothing like a breakthrough in writing, when it happens it feels like your whole world is falling into place ...

Between the 16th of August and the 2nd of October I hardly wrote at all. Apart from a bit of journal and letter writing and some other random bits and bobs. A break for a month and a half was just what I needed to find the motivation to start the 4th draft of Replacing Angel (my English novel in progress). Thanks to wonderful constructive feedback from writer/editor Kay Sexton I felt I finally had something to work on.

For example one of my characters who's supposed to be very sexy and attractive has ginger hair. Even if ginger might be sexy in my eyes, it's not considered sexy in general so I have to find a better way to describe this person's hair. Fiery. Shimmering. Like a sunset. Suggestions much appreciated!

I also realised that because I tried to make the novel shorter I left out events that are crucial to the story and I had to go back to the first draft and add a couple of scenes ...

There are a few language mistakes as well. In Sweden we say "toilet chair" when referring to the actual piece of furniture you sit on when you're having a piss or a shit ... I didn't know that in English toilet is both the room and the chair if you know what I mean. Oh dear, I didn't realise that I'm still writing that much about toilets ...

For the past four days I've been totally engrossed in my writing, feeling tense and stressed every time I'm away from it ... If I'm meeting someone for a drink I can't wait to get back to the sound of my fingers tapping the keys. If I'm at work I put down my thoughts on pieces of paper when nobody's looking ...

I'm bursting! I'm bubbling! I'm alive!

p.s. If you're wondering about the picture ... I couldn't get the right feeling sitting at my desk, so I had to work on the floor to feel more grounded :).

Nick Cave as a character

There was no question. I was going to see him no matter what. Nick Cave was doing a reading of his novel The Death of Bunny Munro and was being interviewed by Will Self at the Old Market in Hove. The event was sold out. I didn't care. I went to the Old Market and put myself in the queue and asked if there were any spare tickets. The bouncer told me to speak to the Box Office. There were already two other people waiting for returned tickets. It didn't look hopeful, but then all of a sudden three tickets literally appeared from thin air and we were let in! And a free glass of wine was included in the ticket. I downed it quite quickly as I felt nervous as a giggling teenager. I was going to see Nick Cave. In real life. Not many people know that for the past three years Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds is almost the only music I've listened to ...

What even less people know is that Nick Cave appears in a chapter of Replacing Angel (my novel in progress). When the audience were allowed to ask questions I asked how Nick would feel if somebody used him as a character in a novel. He wasn't that bothered as he'd read so much about himself on the net and in magazines anyway.

Afterwards I queued up to get my copy of Bunny Munro signed. Then I asked again, more specifically, if he would mind if I used him as a character in my novel. He said it was fine as long as I gave him a bit more hair ...

I'm still in exstacy. It's scary that I'm 27 years old and am still into this whole hero worshiping thing. Last time I felt like this was when I hugged Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots when Velvet Revolver played the Brighton Centre in March 2008.

This is not the end. I'm going to see Nick Cave again. In London. On his official Bunny Munro tour. But believe me, it's not so much him as person as his lyrics that really get to me. Now I'm going to find out if he's a good novelist as well ... And I'm still hoping to see him walk down my street as he lives in Hove!