You always have a Choice ...

Today I was in an apathetic mood, feeling a bit emotional and lost.

These were my choices for the evening: (in no particular order)
*go to the Hammer & Tongue Poetry Slam
*stay in, being miserable, feeling sorry for myself, thinking too much
*return a missed call from an ex-lover
*edit/re-write a short story on the theme of slugs

I should have a competition and let you guess which option I went for, but as I don't have any good prices to offer, I'll reveal that I went for the slug story option ...

I'm still feeling a bit blocked when it comes to writing, but after venting my misery to a few loving writing friends (you know who you are) I decided that I don't have a block - I'm having a break.

Having a break means that I don't have to write, but I can if I want to. And tonight I felt inspired to re-write my short story THE SNAIL HOUSE that originally was on the theme of Hope&Faith for the next Liar's League Event in London. But at the time of writing I drifted a bit from the theme and started to write about snails, and after feedback from Miriam I changed the snails to slugs ...

I've had a great night. Learning about slugs. Listening to The Smiths ("I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour But heaven knows I'm miserable now.") Eating jaffa cakes (the most healthy option when it comes to biscuits apparently*), drinking red wine (good for the heart) and actually writing. I've killed a few darlings. I've added a few new darlings. I will submit the story to Liar's League, even if I've gone off the theme slightly ...


Thanks also to Tim and Chris for feedback. Having someone read your work and making comments about it (positive and negative) is a reason for living.


*don't know if 8 is a good number though ...

Writer's Block.

No, this is not an advert for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month.) It's an advert for me and my pathetic Writer's Block. A lot of writers say that writer's block is just a myth, that if you're a writer you just write. You have good work days and bad work days just like everyone else.

But what if you have two bad weeks? I've lost my motivation and inspiration. Usually I write every morning between 9 and 12 no matter what. Some of those mornings I write pages and pages and am annoyed when my alarm goes off, and I have to go to my other job at the library. Some of those mornings I stare at the clock and write about two sentences and make about twenty-two mugs of tea.

It's just that for the past two weeks I haven't even felt like sitting in front of my screen. My bed has been a more tempting place. The pub has been a more tempting place. My friends houses have been more tempting places. I've distracted myself.

When I visit schools and libraries to talk about my writing I often get the question:
Do you get writer's block and what do you do about it?
Usually I answer that luckily it doesn't happen very often and if it happens I go for long walks and read, and trust that my lust will come back. It has never happened before that my motivation and inspiration hasn't come back. Two weeks is not that long really.

Like with other problems the best thing is to find out where they come from. Why do I feel blocked? The answer is obvious: stress in my life. Uncertainty about where I live, missing my Ex (even if we separated two years ago), waiting for an agent to take me on. If other people have stress in their life I always say: Write about it. So maybe I should follow my own advice. But when I pick up my pen all I want to write is SHIT. And when I sit in front of the computer all I want to do is to spy on people on Facebook. Some people say they can only write when they are depressed. I can only write when I'm happy.

I do a bit of journal writing, which helps. But I don't have my usual flow. Maybe I have to follow my other bit of advice: do it anyway. Even if I just write SHIT SHIT SHIT for a hundred pages I'm still writing. And I have a list in the back of my journal with ideas I've collected. I could just pick one of those ideas and write and see where it takes me. I could, but don't really feel like it.

At least I edited a story today. The Snail House on the theme Hope & Faith for Liar's League.

When I'm not writing

When I'm not writing my mind is in a funny state. I wish I could be as tranquil as the peace statue, but I feel more like the West Pier: a wreck.

When I'm not writing I'm letting my emotions control me. When there's no frame to my days with planned writing hours my life is spinning out of control. My need for engaging with people gets bigger and I end up in situations I don't want to be in ... Quite often alcohol is involved.

When I'm not working on my novel I feel incapable of doing any other writing. It's like the creative part of my brain dies. But tonight I forced myself to write about something that has been on my mind for the better part of August and I felt an immense relief. I didn't write it because I want to prove anything or because I wanted to show it to anyone. I wrote it simply because I needed to release and express my emotions somehow. It doesn't matter that it'll never turn into a story. I kept my fingers moving. It reminds of why I became a writer in the first place: a need to make sense of myself and the world.

The current situation with Replacing Angel is this:
*Person1 who is a professional editor is going to read the manuscript and give very detailed feed back on everything from grammar to plot problems.
*Person2 who is just about to sign a contract with a publisher is going to bring the manuscript on holiday and pretend its a "real" book and then report back what he remembers of it.
*Person3 is reading it at the moment and has already reported that it flows well. In exchange I'm reading her novel in progress. (This is not a detailed reading, the focus is on the general feel and structure of the novel.)
*Person4 who is one of my very best friends is going to read it and tell me what it is I'm trying to say or is failing to say. (She always knows when I'm faking it.)

A big, big THANK YOU to everybody else who's offered to read Replacing Angel. I might get back to you, but at the moment I think I've got enough "eyes" on my novel ...

My plan is to start the 4th draft of Replacing Angel in October. But don't worry. I won't spend a month drinking and getting into emotional states ... In September I'll be busy doing promotional stuff for my first novel in Sweden and Denmark.

p.s. When I'm not writing I borrow books from the library like CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN SEVEN DAYS. When I'm not writing I take more showers. When I'm not writing I'm totally and utterly confused.

Like a lump of shit

For the past week or so my novel in progress has felt like a big lump of shit stuck in a toilet that needs poking at with a pen, so it can dissolve into brown snowflakes that eventually will clear and become white.

What!? You might be thinking. The truth is that I've been so preoccupied with this interview (no, I didn't get the job) that my creative part of the brain has been completely blocked.

I read an article in Mslexia about finding a metaphor about the project you are currently working on. That's how I came up with "like a lump of shit stuck in a toilet." The second part of the exercise was to transform the metaphor, trying to resolve the problem you were having. So that's when I came up with "poking at the shit with a pen until it dissolves into snowflakes ..."

Just thinking about a lump of shit dissolving made me more excited about my novel again. So today I made a start on re-writing the end part of the 3rd draft of Replacing Angel. It went very slow, but after three hours I was still sitting in front of the screen. That means I've got my motivation back. Great!

This might be too much information but after my writing session I had a great dump. Then I went out to sit in the garden. Ironically a sea-gull decided to have a dump as well. A big splash of brown shit hit my pink T-shirt. It physically hurt my back. I first thought it was some kid throwing something at me from a window ... If this had happened yesterday, when I was still creatively blocked, I would've been in tears, but today I just smiled and thought shit happens!